02.02.07

Mom

Posted in stupefied at 10:43 pm by wendy

mom1.jpg
I cannot believe you are gone. I love you and wish I could talk to you just one more time. I found the t-shirt you bought me at the Christopher Moore book signing in your car and I cried. I don’t want to unpack and see the shirt I bought you in Guatemala. I wish I could stop thinking about the future we have to live without you. I want to stop crying, but I hate this paralysed numb stupor of the not crying.My mom read my blog, she liked the dog pics best. I knew she read my blog, and often I’d write something thinking about her, but I never had to worry or censor because of her, I always knew that she’d still talk to me. My mom has a great sense of humor. I really don’t know if I’m ready to say goodbye yet and use the past tense. I can’t believe she’s gone. I focus on the things we need to do for her estate, and tonight we went through the clothes in her closet and packed them away for Goodwill and Nick held out a shirt and said, “When I think of your mom, it’s clothes like this,” holding up a brightly colored floral button-down, and we laughed and pulled out more that were just so Mom, and since if I kept everything that was just so Mom, in an apartment full of everything of hers, everything picked and placed just so, the altar would become huge…I put the shirt in the Goodwill bag, and pretty much everything else hanging in the closet.

But it was almost fun. Distracting like what I am, a little girl going through mommy’s closet.

But if I think at all about what Mom being gone means, what it really means, all the things I won’t be able to tell her, all the things in our lives she’s going to miss–how will I endure a pregnancy without missing her every minute, every day, every developmental month, wanting to know, “was it like this for you? How was it with you when you–? What did it mean? Is this normal?” How am I going to look at a child of mine without seeing my mother? I want this pain to go away. The rational part of me knows it will. With time. But when I opened the door to our dryer and found the identical twin to the shirt Nick had held up as a prime example of Momfashion, I sobbed like an idiot in our cramped spider-filled laundry room.

I can’t write anymore tonight, but of course there’s always more to say. Slow Central American post means we are now receiving postcards we sent to her here. As I cleaned out her bedroom drawers I found she saved all the postcards I sent her before, so I guess I will just put them with those. I wish we’d called her, there were so many silly and trivial things we could have talked about. I don’t even want another conversation to have a heavy conversation, I’ll settle for our usual fluffy topic of “how weird are the dogs being today?”
When we go to Mom’s apartment as we’re unlocking the door the dogs wag their tails like Grandma’s going to be sitting on the couch with a book and a glass of wine, just on the other side of the door, but they’ve stopped checking the apartment for her. In that moment between unlocking and unlocked doors where we believe we’ll see her, where that feeling is so strong, I want to live in that moment.

But life goes on and we can’t.

Mom I miss you so much.

49 Comments »

  1. Nancy said,

    February 2, 2007 at 11:36 pm

    Our thoughts are with you. *hug*

  2. Vera said,

    February 3, 2007 at 12:01 am

    So sorry to hear about your mom. Mine has been gone for 10 years now, and I miss her every day.

  3. Cristina said,

    February 3, 2007 at 12:26 am

    So sorry :( Hugs to you all.

  4. ~Kristie said,

    February 3, 2007 at 1:21 am

    I’ve been lurking at your blog for awhile now, but I just felt the need to tell you how sincerely sorry I am for your loss.

  5. Caroline in NH said,

    February 3, 2007 at 3:57 am

    I am so sorry for your loss.

  6. Iris said,

    February 3, 2007 at 5:09 am

    I’m so sorry for your loss.

    I wish I could offer something more. Eleven years ago I was in the same place; all I can say is that you never lose the feeling of sadness, just that it lessens and changes. It somehow becomes part of you, but not an unwelcome part, if that makes any sense.

    I had never quilted before in my life, but I ended up gathering my mother’s floral skirts (she was famous for them) and made a quilt. I plan on giving it to my daughter at some point.

    Take care.

  7. paula said,

    February 3, 2007 at 6:15 am

    I am so sorry for your loss. Hugs to you all.

  8. Cindy said,

    February 3, 2007 at 6:19 am

    Words cannot convey how sorry I am for the shocking loss of your beautiful mother. Many hugs.

  9. Janice in GA said,

    February 3, 2007 at 8:17 am

    I am so sorry for your loss. My mom died almost 11 years ago too. Every now and then I think I’ll call her and ask her something, and a second later I remember — she’s gone.

    Best thoughts and wishes…

  10. Lauren said,

    February 3, 2007 at 8:31 am

    Oh Wendy, I am so sorry. xoxo.
    You look so much like her.

  11. Inky said,

    February 3, 2007 at 9:04 am

    Wendy, I am so very sorry for the loss of your beloved Mother. We learn so much from our Moms. Love and many hugs to you.

  12. Mary-Kay said,

    February 3, 2007 at 10:31 am

    Ah Wendy,
    I am so sorry. You are in my prayers and I’m glad I got to see you. I have no words I guess. I haven’t been through what you have in these last few days. You have SUCH a good guy in Nick. Your support is there and in your friends. I’ll keep stalking and calling as usual and anytime you want to you can pour it all out on me.

    I miss you already.
    Love,
    Mary-Kay

  13. Ande said,

    February 3, 2007 at 11:04 am

    I wish I could be there to give you a long hard hug. I’m so sorry Wendy.

  14. LoriO said,

    February 3, 2007 at 12:01 pm

    I’m so sorry Wendy. I’ve been thinking about you all week trying to telepathically send you the strength to get through this. {{{hugs}}}

  15. Melissa said,

    February 3, 2007 at 1:43 pm

    Wendy, you DO look so much like her. I wish I could see you and give you a hug. With both of my parents gone now, I have felt this sense of being orphaned. In as much as this is a nutural part of live and growing older, the feelings are no less powerful.

    May you find some comfort in the loves in your life.
    Melissa

  16. Stephanie said,

    February 3, 2007 at 2:29 pm

    Wow - I’m so sorry. My dad was killed by a drunk driver when I was 9, and it’s tough. As kids - or even young, 30-ish adults - we don’t really think about losing our parents. I’m sure Nick and the dogs are doing their best to help you cheer up.

  17. jenifleur said,

    February 3, 2007 at 4:44 pm

    Oh, Wendy. My heart goes out to you. I feel the loss of my own mom so freshly still and reading this brings new tears to my eyes. I wish I had words to tell you how well I understand. All the missing and all the things she’ll never see, and the broken heart that seems like it will never heal. Going on with your life just feels so much less enjoyable without your Mom there with you. What a wonderful life she must have had with you for a daughter. I am so sorry.

  18. Cara said,

    February 3, 2007 at 5:08 pm

    I am so sorry. My thoughts are with you and your family. Peace to you all.

  19. may said,

    February 3, 2007 at 5:30 pm

    oh Wendy, I’m so sorry for your loss. I can’t even begin to imagine what you are going through. I’m glad you have Nick and the doggies to comfort you! *hugs*

  20. Stella said,

    February 3, 2007 at 5:39 pm

    Oh Wendy, I am so sorry for you. I feel your pain and I”m crying with you. I love you like my little sister and I hope you can feel a little bit of it. Hugs, sweetie.

  21. Melissa in El Cajon said,

    February 3, 2007 at 6:25 pm

    Oh, girl! I’m so sorry to hear of your terrible loss. You will be in my thoughts and prayers. Melissa from El Cajon

  22. La said,

    February 3, 2007 at 8:56 pm

    Wendy I am so sorry for your loss. I haven’t the words to convey my deepest sympathies. It’s remarkable how much you resemble her.

    Hugs to you.

  23. Claire said,

    February 3, 2007 at 9:58 pm

    Wendy, my sypmathies and thoughts are with you.

  24. Mandy said,

    February 3, 2007 at 10:47 pm

    I am so sorry for your loss, Wendy. I don’t know how you feel right now, I dread the day when I will learn.

  25. Amy Boogie said,

    February 4, 2007 at 5:31 am

    oh, I’m so sorry for your loss. If I were there I’d give you a big hug and sit down for a cry with you. Your relationship with your mom sounds like mine with my mom and I dread the day. Know that all the way here in Maine, you are in my thoughts. xoxox

  26. Carol said,

    February 4, 2007 at 6:24 am

    I am so very sorry for your loss.

  27. cari said,

    February 4, 2007 at 7:23 am

    I’m so, so sorry.

  28. kristen said,

    February 4, 2007 at 9:01 am

    I came over from JenLa. Hugs.

  29. Megann said,

    February 4, 2007 at 11:00 am

    I’m a so sorry for your loss. My mom passed away when I was 7 and I miss her every day. I am most sad about not ever really knowing her. Thanksgiving day was the 25th anniversary of her passing. Keep the loving memories of your mother close to your heart and hopefully that will bring you some comfort. I wish you strength and courage in this very difficult time. My heart goes out to you and Nick.

  30. Sarah said,

    February 4, 2007 at 11:53 am

    So sorry for your loss. My thoughts are with you.

  31. Lori said,

    February 4, 2007 at 12:05 pm

    Sorry about your Mom–mine will be gone a year March 26th.
    I know exactly how you feel about the baby thing, I wonder how long it’s going to tear me up.
    I am in the process of making quilts out of my Mom’s shirts for myself, Dad and two sisters. Something to think about if you haven’t gotten rid of them yet.

  32. Claire said,

    February 4, 2007 at 3:57 pm

    I’m So Sorry….

  33. frecklegirl jess said,

    February 4, 2007 at 8:40 pm

    I am so sorry for your loss. Many hugs.

  34. Sue from spinning said,

    February 4, 2007 at 9:08 pm

    I’m so sorry for the loss of your mom. Blessings to you and Nick.
    Sue from spinning

  35. Heidi said,

    February 5, 2007 at 9:32 am

    Wendy, I’m so sad for you and Nick. I’m so sorry. Please come visit us. I must go cry all over Sophie now…

  36. Brooke said,

    February 5, 2007 at 1:58 pm

    Wendy, I am so sorry. Un abrazo muy fuerte.

  37. Terri said,

    February 5, 2007 at 2:16 pm

    oh, Wendy, I’m so sad to hear about your mom. Hug that man and those dogs close and have a good cry. :-(

  38. June said,

    February 5, 2007 at 6:00 pm

    Oh Wendy, I’m so sorry. You look very much like your mother. Hugs to you and Nick.

  39. juno said,

    February 5, 2007 at 9:50 pm

    I am so sorry.

  40. lisa said,

    February 6, 2007 at 1:57 pm

    i can’t imagine …
    i’m just so sorry.

  41. Hilari said,

    February 6, 2007 at 2:49 pm

    okay, now i’m crying! shouldn’t have read the comments. when my grandmother died one of my relatives - don’t really ‘member which one - said don’t be surprised if your walking in the grocery store and just start crying. i’m so glad she warned me. i still miss her every single day.

    i know what you mean about having so many things around to remind you. eventually it stops being a startling reminder and becomes a gentle comfort.

    Many hugs and hope you have time to curl up with the doggies and rest!

  42. MJ said,

    February 6, 2007 at 3:01 pm

    I’ve been thinking of you since I wrote my last email. Much love and hugs.

  43. lori z said,

    February 6, 2007 at 4:57 pm

    Wendy, I’m so sorry for your loss. *hug*

  44. Lacy said,

    February 7, 2007 at 9:27 am

    With every ache of your heart I pray you will have many bright and happy memories of your Mom to help you heal. Much love from a fellow knitter.

  45. Grace said,

    February 7, 2007 at 6:16 pm

    Wendy, I am very sorry for your loss. Please be strong for your mom. Treasure the memories and keep them tight in your heart. **BIG HUGS** One of your spinning student~Grace

  46. Monica said,

    February 8, 2007 at 6:39 am

    Oh Wendy, I’m so sorry for your loss.

  47. Audrey said,

    February 9, 2007 at 5:19 am

    I am so, so sorry for your loss. I can’t imagine your devastation. Words seem like not enough. I pray you’ll find the strength to get through this.

  48. dharma said,

    February 11, 2007 at 12:16 am

    Oh my, I hardly know what to say. I am so sorry for your loss.

  49. Eklectika said,

    February 28, 2007 at 4:50 pm

    Although belatedly…my condolences as well…and some hugs.

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